I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
