I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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