Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
