Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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