Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
did i just pee glitter
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
