I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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