I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
