My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
