I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
