I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
