I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i drank out of a bidet.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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