batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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