R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
