He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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