I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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