If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
