i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
