the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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