you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
