The maid of honor just puked.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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