Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
