Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
