this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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