Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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