why didn't you poke me back
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
