He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count