he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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