I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
