We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
