did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
