I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
