True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
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