as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
