CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
