matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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