just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
