There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So much rum. So many feels.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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