I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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