I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
