I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
