So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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