Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
