he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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