two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
