dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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