Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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