Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
