It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
where are my eyebrows?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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