Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
