Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
