I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
