Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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