just tell him i said nine months
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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