She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
