I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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