I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
