Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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