i permit you to call me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
